Have you ever had a moment where you were feeling pretty good about yourself, pretty proud of something? And then you snuck a look at the person next to you and they were doing it so much better and you could literally feel yourself deflating? I have had many such moments. What’s the lesson? Stop looking at the person next to you. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
It’s so hard not to compare ourselves, but rarely does any good come from comparison. First of all, there’s a pretty good chance that someone else is going to be smarter, stronger, prettier, more organized, funnier, thinner, fitter, richer, neater, better at cooking, better at writing, better at whatever job it is you do. Even the winner of the New York City marathon- chances are someone somewhere in the world who didn’t make it to the marathon is faster. Or will be on another day. Or will be soon.
This is a little morbid, but I learned a big lesson about comparison when my husband and I were planning for our will. Who would take care of our kids? And, for all the times I’ve felt like a terrible mother, for all the times I’ve worried about messing my kids up or failing them in some fundamental way, I realized that there is no one else I would rather be a mother to my children.
When we were making this decision I was in the throes of motherhood, with 3 young children at the time. I was tired and insecure and feeling like I sucked at everything. I had actually thought many times that they would be better off with someone else for a mom. I would look at my sister-in-law in awe; her house was always clean, her kids were always clean, she seemed to have such a good handle on everything. And she’s a wonderful mother. But when I thought about her raising my kids, I thought about the things I do that she might not.
My friend seemed like the perfect person. Her kids seemed like the perfect kids. But I realized I wouldn’t want her to be the one to raise them either. And I think my kids would agree. So, in all my imperfectness, I’m the perfect mom for them. They’re the perfect kids for me.
And I’m lucky enough to be their mom. I’m lucky enough to have them as my children. I’m blessed enough to be here on this life journey with them. How dare I waste any minute of this gift worrying about not being good enough?
This lesson can carry over into all areas of life. My sister-in-law’s house will always be neater and more organized and prettier. My friend will always seem like she’s everything to everyone and do it with ease. But my messy house will be a haven for my guys after a long day. My kids will see that I struggle sometimes with this whole business of life, but at the end of the day I’m really happy and open and it’s ok for them to feel unsure too sometimes.
In terms of body image, forget it. Comparing ourselves in this department might just launch us into a king size bag of Hershey kisses, because why bother? With all the images we’re inundated with of “perfect” women, most of us wouldn’t even step up to try. But chances are really good that someone pretty wonderful thinks that you are pretty beautiful. You can believe that too. It might just take a little practice.
It’s also tough to compare ourselves because other people are at different points in their journey. Don’t compare your middle to somebody else’s end. You are where you are and that’s not going to be exactly the same for anyone else.
If you still struggle to stop comparing yourself, listen to a young person compare themselves to someone else and think of all the responses that run through your head. I heard my daughter compare herself to someone the other day and it broke my heart. I wanted to say, “Are you crazy? You are perfect and smart and fun and kind and beautiful and you have a whole amazing life ahead of you. Anyone who doesn’t see that or makes you feel otherwise isn’t worth your time! You are a gift and a light and you need to go out there and shine. And never doubt yourself. Not for a minute.” I said something like that, maybe a little less dramatic lest I get an eye roll. Try saying those things to yourself. Even if you don’t feel it. Because you are a gift.
When can comparison be useful? When you compare yourself to the woman you were yesterday. Or last year. Or five years ago. I’m stronger than I was 5 months ago. I can do things now I couldn’t do 5 years ago. I’m more confident now than I have ever been. And loving myself means more to me than how I stack up against anyone else.
If you look at who you were 5 days, 5 months, 5 years ago and don’t like where you are, then make a change. But make the change to be a better version of you. Not to strive for perfection, or to be like someone else. It sounds so corny, but our unique-ness really is what makes us special, what makes us beautiful. What makes us the best mom for a little human being, even in all our messiness, our doubts, our fears.
So, don’t let comparison steal your joy. Don’t look outside to see how you’re doing. Look inside, look at the people you love.
Practice loving yourself for who you are. Love yourself even as you look to change.
Don’t look at the person next to you.
That was beautiful 😊😘
Thank you 🙂