Does the word gratitude make you cringe a little? It makes me cringe a little. I think of “the attitude of gratitude” and all the forced gratitude we’re subjected to at Thanksgiving and it’s all I can do not to roll my eyes. But my attitude towards gratitude has changed drastically these last few months. I’ve discovered how taking a few minutes to be grateful every morning can change my mood and my whole day.

I think I’m grateful by nature. When I was little I was taught to pray every day and part of my prayers was thanking God for my blessings. We said grace before dinner, thanking God for our food. Every day. (I wouldn’t call myself “religious” now and feel conflicted about religion, but there are some good parts of it that stick with me. And I’m grateful for them.)

As an adult, I haven’t been much into formal prayer, but I have always been aware of how blessed I am. Motherhood certainly made me very conscious of gratitude. I don’t take being a mother to four healthy, happy children lightly.

I’ve been grateful for little things, too. When I’d find a matching sock in the dryer I’d say, “Thank you!” out loud. Maybe that’s a little crazy. But when things go my way- green lights, short lines, making it somewhere in the nick of time, finding what I need- I say thank you because I know it could have gone the other way and I’d be screwed.

So, while I was internally grateful I hated the whole “gratitude” thing. Maybe I was more aware of it because of my time teaching? Or hanging around mommy & me groups? All those cut-out turkeys with white paper glued inside for the thankful lists. I had to talk about gratitude to my class or to groups and it was hard for me. It bothered me. It didn’t feel natural.

This could be because of all the standard responses- I am grateful for my family, my home, food. Responses that are certainly true, but sound canned. Like everyone is saying the same thing without really giving it thought. It could be because it’s hard to feel grateful when we’re forced. Or it could be because the settings where all this forced gratitude takes place aren’t ones that feel very reflective or open.

How to Practice Gratitude Each Day

In the fall I went to an amazing retreat. It was a “Strategies for Stress Reduction and Success” experience. We talked about lots of different stuff and did lots of different stuff, and talking about gratitude was only a part of it. But I came home that weekend with a book- 31 Days of Gratitude by Shilamida. It’s a book/journal and it’s really helped make this gratitude thing a habit.

In 31 Days of Gratitude, there’s a great introduction to help you get started. Then there are 31 days of writing prompts with space for you to write. The structure provides a framework to get started and gives you ideas. Shilamida is the author and also the woman who ran the retreat! She infused gratitude into all that we did and by the end of the weekend, I was ready to commit to this gratitude thing.

I also learned at the retreat that we need to find things to be grateful for in difficult times. That sometimes we need those times to get to where we’re meant to be. The difficult times shape who we are and oftentimes help us figure out what we want (or don’t want). Difficult times still suck, some more than others, and it doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for flat tires or lost jobs or really, really sad things. But finding gratitude can help you through those difficult times…being grateful for having a spare, being grateful for having a supportive family, being grateful for dinner a friend brought to you.

So I’ve been practicing all this gratitude stuff each day during stressful moments, angry moments, sad moments, and happy moments. I think what’s made the biggest impact on how I feel about gratitude in general and why I’ve become such a raving fan over the whole thing is my daily morning gratitude practice.

This is when I sit down with my 31 Days of Gratitude journal by Shilamida and my Mead notebook from Target and write down things I’m grateful for. Many of the things are repeats, of course, but I try to be in the moment too. So if it’s 2 degrees outside I would write “I am grateful for heat.” Or “I am grateful for our warm home.”

Some tips for writing down what you are grateful for…

1. Write it down. That might sound silly because that’s what we’re talking about here, but I know from experience that it’s very tempting to tell yourself you’ll just list what you’re grateful for in your head. So write those things down. Get the journal or get a pretty notebook.
2. Start with “I am grateful…” Begin each sentence with those words.
3. Write each thing individually- no lists. It makes you think a little differently and makes you give gratitude to each thing.
4. Repeats are ok, but try to add new things, too. I write many of the same things each day. But I try to be present and write new things too.
5. Be grateful for small things. It can feel silly to be grateful for material things, but you should. It’s part of being grateful for this cushy lifestyle we have. I’m grateful for conveniences and comforts that I have and these are things that not everyone has. Plus little things sometimes bring us joy; it doesn’t have to be a life-changing, profound joy. I love pens. When I got new pens in the mail from Amazon I wrote down that I was grateful for them. I am grateful for my tv. I am grateful for the computer I’m sitting at right now.
6. Be grateful for big things. Write down the things that we take for granted and the things that are essential for life as we know it.
7. Be grateful for big things in small ways. Break it down. This deepens your appreciation for things. I am grateful for my mom, yes, and I write that a lot. But I get specific too. I am grateful for her smile, her sense of humor, her warm hugs, that she lives nearby, that my kids adore her. Doing this whole gratitude thing makes you realize how much you love people; sometimes it reminds you why you love them. One morning I was pissed off at someone I love and feeling rather cranky and not much like doing this stupid gratitude…by the end I had cracked a smile. Even about the person I was mad at.

The “M” Word

I guess I could be talking about any number of things here, don’t let your mind wander too much, but what I’m getting at is “manifesting.” I hesitate to write about it for several reasons, one of which is I still feel like a newbie at the whole thing. Another is I know some people think it’s a crock. Or flat-out blasphemous. Or insulting. So I’ll get this over with quick…

By “manifesting” I mean using your thoughts to create a reality you desire. I do not mean wanting money and saying, “I want money,” and sitting on your couch and waiting for the money to show up.

And I don’t think bad things happen to good people because of manifesting. Positive, happy, good people get sick and that just happens. Bad things happen and they’re just hard to understand sometimes.

I think the beauty of “manifesting” is that you’re changing your thinking in a positive way. Thinking positively. It can also help you get clear on what you want. What do you want to manifest? What do you want to happen?

Within the practice of gratitude, I write “I am grateful for…” and fill in the blank with something I would like to happen, even if it hasn’t happened yet. So, when my mom was going in for surgery, I wrote, “I am grateful my mom’s surgery is a success.”

If you’re unhappy at work you might write, “I am grateful for loving my job,” or, “I’m grateful for finding a job that fulfills me and provides for my family.” Then you put yourself in a more positive state. You’ll be more likely to take action to make your current job better or just have a better attitude when you walk in there. Or maybe you’ll open yourself up to other opportunities.

Manifesting as part of gratitude can act like affirmations, too. If you struggle with confidence say, “I am grateful for feeling confident.” If you’re prone to binge eating you can say, “I am grateful for making healthy choices that fuel my body.”

Even if you don’t buy into the idea wholeheartedly it would be hard to argue that thinking positively is bad. Having a positive mindset (don’t you roll those eyes at me!) is really the biggest factor in success at everything. You don’t have to walk around like Pollyanna and ooze sunshine and rainbows to be a more grateful person.

And you don’t have to use unnatural language either. If you wouldn’t say, “I am grateful for making healthy choices that fuel my body,” you can say, “I am grateful I ate good stuff,” or whatever. Just keep it positive- not something like, “I am grateful I didn’t eat crap,” or, “I am grateful I wasn’t such a weak-willed fatty like yesterday.”

An Example of Using Gratitude in Good Times

I think the feeling of gratitude comes naturally in good times. The whole “practice” of gratitude helps us be more aware of it, to feel it more in given moments.

We had an especially nice family dinner the other night. All 6 of us were sitting at the table, no one was making disparaging comments about my cooking, no one was getting up 347 times to get something, no one was teasing anyone else, no one was rolling his or her eyes, and everyone was eating. Something like a miracle. But other than that it was just a regular weeknight dinner. An especially nice one and it struck me how grateful I am to be the person who gets to hang out with this crew every day. So in my head, in the moment, still enjoying just the feeling of happiness, I thought:

• I am grateful for my life.
• I am grateful for this laughter.
• I am grateful for eating dinner together.

Actively practicing gratitude can also help us be more present. When I catch a glimpse of something beautiful- the sky or trees- I take a second look and feel grateful. The wind sometimes feels like a reminder to be grateful, when a sudden breeze swirls up and moves all the trees around you it feels like a message from something bigger.

An Example of Using Gratitude in Bad Times

So while I’m learning all this gratitude stuff, I have learned that we should be grateful in bad times, too. Still warming up to the idea, but I did put it into practice recently and it made me feel less anxious.

My husband and I drive from New York to Florida (and back) every year. With four kids. Last year we did it twice. I should probably say, “My husband drives from New York to Florida every year. And I help out in the Carolinas.” He definitely does most of the driving. I’d like to think my excellent co-pilot skills and sparkling personality make up for this.

On the way home this year I had just started my turn driving. Everyone else fell asleep immediately. And it started to pour. Not so bad I felt like I had to pull over (when I just started? with 4 sleeping kids and a sleeping husband who has a lot of driving left ahead of him? are you crazy?) but bad enough that I was gripping the steering wheel and sitting up very straight. I was also going 40 mph in a 70 mph zone, and so were all the other cars.

Instead of freaking out or thinking about how bad the rain was, I thought of the whole gratitude thing. I started listing things I was grateful for at the moment:

• I am grateful for a safe car.
• I am grateful this is rain, not snow.
• I am grateful for safe drivers all around me.

And I started feeling grateful for the near future:

• I am grateful for arriving home safe, healthy, and happy.
• I am grateful for safe travels.
• I am grateful for being home after a long trip.

It helped ease my anxiety a lot. So while I’m still wrapping my head around the whole “be grateful even when things are bad” in some sense, I can see how it can help in difficult situations.

Things I Love About Gratitude

There is plenty of scientific evidence and research out there that will tell you gratitude is good for you. I’m not a scientist, but this is what I know about gratitude…

• It makes you happier. My mood is better throughout individual days and over time.
• It makes you better at managing your emotions. I am less prone to sudden bouts of crying in ShopRite.
• It helps you cope with stress and anxiety. It can literally diffuse anxiety in a given moment.
• It recalls moments of joy. Writing down, “I am grateful for tucking my kids into bed,” brings a picture to my mind.
• It’s good for relationships. You start appreciating people more.

My most profound moment of gratitude actually happened before the retreat, before my daily gratitude routine. I had been grieving deeply for months and was having a particularly hard week when in a moment of quiet I felt a sense of peace. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but my mind had been rolling lots of stuff around so maybe it was in there and just finally found a quiet moment to set in…It was gratitude. Gratitude for having loved. Gratitude for memories. Gratitude that I had had something so big and wonderful it made me grieve so deep. The gratitude that I had lots to hold onto.

Make Gratitude Part of Your Life

Even if you’re super grateful for your life and you think it multiple times throughout the day, I encourage you to start writing it down. Pick a time of day and commit to it. I do it in the morning, but a lot of people make this part of their nighttime routine. It’s a nice way to end the day, too! Or pick any time of day- but try to commit to a time so you’re more likely to stick with it. Take just 5 minutes and pretty soon you’ll see a difference.

Being mindfully grateful can really change your life. I’ve seen someone else’s evolution with gratitude. She started months before me and made it a real commitment and she has changed. Subtly, but positively. She seems happier, more relaxed. This gratitude thing is a gift- to yourself and to the people around you. And really, if I’m going to get dramatic here, to the whole world. If we all start putting ourselves in better moods imagine all the good vibes out there…man.

What are you grateful for? I’d love to hear from you! I’m grateful you’re reading this right now…

 

 

 

 

 

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