Set Boundaries to Save Your Sanity

We’ve all probably heard about the importance of “setting boundaries.” But what does that mean really? Maybe it means different things in different situations, but right now- quarantined at home due to COVID-19- it means setting boundaries on my time so I have time for me and don’t lose my freaking mind…Anyone else feeling like that? This might be the #1 way to survive this craziness: set boundaries to save your sanity.

In this surreal situation, we’re living through there are lots of things that are taking on new meaning to me. One of them is boundaries. And, oh my goodness, do I need them!

All six of us home all the time plus the anxiety of the whole situation plus schooling at home is making for some high-tension moments.

There are a lot of silver linings for my family and I am grateful for them. But I’ve also had more moments of feeling frazzled and sad and stressed and I need to make time to take care of myself too.

Routines Can Help with Boundaries

Part of the problem is that I’m out of my usual routine. I woke up at 5 and completed most of my morning routine (you can read about it here) before the kids got up when things were normal. Now I’m staying up later and sleeping later. I’m waking up with the kids and have lost that alone time I was used to.

Plus, with e-learning, I am more in demand than I’m used to!

So I get up with the kids and have found myself sucked into the vortex of helping them. Then it’s lunchtime…and the day just gets away from me. There have been days I find myself not working out until almost dinnertime, and a few days I’ve missed my workouts.

Please note: Those workouts are very necessary for my mental health, my mood, my coping. And I’m realizing how important the other parts of my morning routine are, too.

My morning routine makes me feel in control, it puts me in a better mood, and it leaves me ready to face the day. By putting it off until later in the day or skipping it altogether I am doing myself a disservice. And it spills over to my family too when I get snippy with them.

Letting Routines Go Completely Doesn’t Help

When I don’t get to my routines it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. I also get a little resentful of the fact that everyone else gets to do their thing and my needs always come last.

Example: My husband can walk around with headphones while he does work around the house and no one will talk to him for two hours. The second I put headphones in I am needed in at least four places. Does this happen to anyone else?!

Example: My husband always goes for a run, come hell or high water. He keeps his routines in place.

I Need to Set Boundaries on My Availability

So I heard someone (Ruth Soukup, you can read more about her here) talking about creating a time during the day when everyone has to fend for themselves. For her, it was a block of a couple of hours in the afternoon. And I realized this might be what “setting boundaries” means for me right now…

A block of time for me to take care of what’s important to me- other than taking care of other people.

If you have little ones, nap time would be perfect. During nap-time, the whole house shuts down and gets quiet. Everyone has independent time- including you.

What does this mean for the people you live with?

They cannot come to you unless someone is bleeding.

They have to occupy themselves, problem-solve for themselves, etc.

It might mean they stay in their rooms or just stay out of your space.

You decide what the rules are. Ideally, this would be technology-free time for kids. They can read, rest, sleep, play quietly, draw. But I say, especially in these days of quarantine, maybe technology can be part of it.

What does this mean for you?

You abide by the boundaries you’re setting, too. That means you don’t cave because someone has a question. You don’t sacrifice your time because Susie has a project due. You don’t get swept up in cleaning the garage because your husband got it in his head that it has to be done.

This isn’t the time to do dishes or fold laundry or do any of the thousands of other chores that need to be done.

If the phone rings you don’t answer it.

And you use the time for what’s important to you. Maybe it’s work stuff, maybe it’s self-care. But it’s time when you can take a breath and give time to yourself and what has been taking a backseat to others’ needs again and again.

If you don’t have work you have to do during this time you might use it to pick up an old hobby, read a book, create something, exercise, do something around the house you’ve wanted to get to. Read this post on Mel Robbins’s blog for more about making time for self-care during the day!

The Other Upside to Setting Boundaries

There’s another upside to this…especially if you have kids. This time is good for them. It’s good for them to be independent; it might force them to figure things out on their own without relying on you so quickly.

It’s also good for them on an empathetic level. They need to respect and value other people’s needs. It’s ok for them to see you as an individual and it’s ok for them to see you make other things a priority.

I am a giver and a doter and I want to be all the things to my children. So setting boundaries is difficult for me. It was difficult when they were babies and it’s difficult now. I want my children to have the security of knowing they can come to me at any time, to be warm and welcoming to them, to help them and to be their go-to person.

My husband says it’s my own fault when they come to me for everything and he’s right. I see it as a gift, and I love it. But I also know I need to set some boundaries for the good of us all.

My first boundary during this quarantine was putting a headband on my bedroom doorknob when I meditated. I told them all that if they saw that headband they were not to knock or call me for me.

If they come to me I’m going to want to drop everything and help them. Having boundaries in place ensures this doesn’t happen. It’s good for me and it’s good for them too in the big picture.

Tips to make boundaries easier to abide by:

1. Talk about it with them. Explain how it will all work and why it’s important.
2. Explain the guidelines. These will vary depending on the age of your children. Consider things like snacks, technology, phone calls.
3. Model behavior for them. Give examples of how to handle situations.
4. Stick to your guns. This is non-negotiable. And they’ll learn- to prioritize their own needs and to have patience.
5. Be consistent with the time as much as possible. Things will come up that will force you to shift the time, but for the most part stick with a window of time. 1:00-3:00? 2:00-4:00? 2:00-5:00? When it’s new you might need to start with a smaller time frame and increase it as they adjust.
6. Accept their part in it, even if it’s not how you would like it to go. Try to get your partner on board if they’re home at this time. And whatever he or she decides to do- no judgments.
7. When the time is up, give them some undivided attention. Now I have four kids and a husband at home with me right now, so I know that might be easier said than done. But check in with each of them, and see how you’re needed and then make a plan to attend to any problems that have cropped up during your boundary time.
8. Banish the guilt. Don’t feel guilty for this time and know in your heart that it’s good for them, too. When this difficult period ends, maybe you won’t need to be so strict. When it’s just weekends that you’re all home it will be a non-issue. But for now, this is really important for you- don’t allow yourself to feel guilty.

Do you already have boundaries like these in place? What are you doing right now to make things work more smoothly at home?

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