One of the best pieces of parenting advice I ever got came from my husband. At a time when he was as new to parenting as I was, so maybe he doesn’t seem like the most reliable source. He heard it at a wrestling tournament from another coach, which might make you feel even less sure about this gem of advice regarding emotional boundaries. But give it a chance, as it’s become more and more meaningful over the years and more relevant: “You can’t be on the mat with them.”
My husband was a new wrestling coach and an older, more experienced coach watched him get all worked up and into the matches and stressed out and other things I imagine you do as a wrestling coach. After a tough loss, this man came over to my husband and said, “You can’t be on the mat with them.”
Meaning…
You’ve done your part. You coached him, you trained him, you encouraged him, you got him here on the bus. Now your job is to let him do his thing. It’s his match. He’s the one on the mat.
So one day I was feeling every little thing I imagined my daughter felt and that night when I was feeling the feelings all over again and worrying and overanalyzing and getting worked up and wondering what I could do to help and wanting to absorb them all into my own being to spare her, my husband said it to me. “You can’t be on the mat with her.”
I can’t be on the playground with her. I can’t be in the classroom with her. Or on the playdate.
As much as I want to mediate, call the teacher, talk to the mom, advise her on what to do, orchestrate the moment so as to maybe save her a little heartache, I can’t.
As much as I want to feel all the hard feelings for her so she doesn’t have to, I can’t.
I can be in the stands loving her. Or I can be at home ready to hear all about it with a cup of tea and hugs.
I can do my part. I can love her and do my best to prepare her for the world. I can give her a good home, a safe place to come back to. I can celebrate the good stuff and comfort during the bad stuff. But it’s her match. It’s her life.
As hard as it is to do, letting her go do her thing is what’s best for her and for me.
You might want to be on a lot of mats…
I learned this lesson with all my children, but the same thing might apply to your other closest relationships.
I remember trying to give my husband advice about his new teaching job and worrying incessantly about what was happening when he was at work. I’d spend a large part of the workday (while I was at home with my daughter) stressing about his day. It wasn’t good for me, it wasn’t fair to him. And it didn’t do anybody any good. I had to step back. It wasn’t my thing to navigate.
And I’m needing to remember this advice now, 14 or so years after the first time I heard it, in relation to my mom. When my dad died, I wanted to be on the mat with my mom. I wanted to make it better for her. But I couldn’t. She had to (and continues to have to) cope on her own in her own way.
Now that she’s 81 and going through some health issues, I find myself wanting to be on the mat with her again. Having a hard time separating from her, thinking about how she must be feeling in the hospital alone, wondering what’s happening there now. Kind of wanting to be there with her all the time so I can make sure she’s ok. But this is her match.
I am my own person and I have a husband and four children. Not only can I not be with my mom all the time helping her through this rough patch, but I also shouldn’t be with my mom all the time. Physically or mentally or emotionally. I need to be present when I’m with my kids. I need to take time to care for my own mental and physical health.
Take a step back from the mat, please…
So I have to detach. Cut the cord. Take a step back. Remember as much as I love them all, as much as I want to make everything ok for them, as much as I want to help them, they’re all on their own mats.
I can be a comfort to them, a safe place to anchor. But I can’t be with them all the time.
A close friend was feeling some of this stuff about her mom, who lost her husband not too long ago. Wanting to orchestrate things to make her mom happy, to make her mom have fun. To make her mom feel better for a little while, to take away her mom’s pain.
But my friend can only do so much. She can invite her mom over, make her a nice dinner, get her out to do things, have her favorite after-dinner drink ready for her the next time she comes over. And love her, and spend time with her and be good to her. But she can’t take away the pain and the loneliness.
It’s a hard life lesson. It feels a little lonely sometimes. It’s difficult to realize as much as you love someone, as much a part of your soul as they are, they’re on their own mat. And you can’t be on the mat with them.
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