This version of me…

Anyone else ever feel sick of themselves? Sick of talking about the same things, sick of complaining about the same issues. Sick of this version of me…that you seem to be stuck with for years and years without much progress.

I (for the most part) love myself. However…I’m a little sick of my shit sometimes. Feeling a little stuck, in some areas more than others. Wishing away the days sometimes to get to a place where I finally feel like I have it all together.

And then I read things like this Rupi Kaur quote:

I will never have

this version of me again

let me slow down

and be with her.

-rupi kaur

or see a woman a little further ahead or behind of where I am in life, and I pause.

How often do we think about this version of ourselves? If ever?

I had one memorable moment of slowing down to appreciate a certain phase in life while we were on vacation 7 years ago. My kids were all little, life was beautiful but oh-so-tiring. And, as seems to be common in all versions of me, I was worried a lot and busy a lot and unsure of a lot of things a lot.

As we drove on a windy mountain road in the Blue Ridge mountains, I saw a Subaru Outback parked on a scenic overlook. The couple that matched their car so perfectly were probably 60-ish and it was just the two of them.

We pulled into the same scenic overlook.

I looked at them and thought, oh how peaceful. But as the woman looked at us I imagined her thinking, oh, I remember those days.

And I imagined her thinking it a few ways…

-life is so much simpler now

-life is a little lonely now

-life is a little boring now

-we can do so many things and go so many places now

Maybe she was remembering an earlier version of herself…

-but what stuck out to me- me feeling like a hot mess, me feeling like I’m making so many mistakes and doing so many things wrong- was that she might be feeling, “oh, if I could only go back for a little while. those were the days.”

She may very well have never been a mom, she may very well have met my eyes and been thinking, “there goes the peace and quiet- can’t they stop somewhere else?” or “she looks a little like the lady at the library.” Or she might have made eye contact with me and been thinking about the fight she just had with her husband.

But I can still picture that couple and that feeling of capturing the moment in time I was in – knowing it was a period in time, not forever. And that one day I might see a frazzled, tired, busy young mom and remember this period of time with fondness.

I dropped into moments more often after that- moments with my kids that were simple and insignificant. Not just the big moments. The messes and the snuggles and the talks and the wonder.

But I don’t do that often enough.

I will never have this version of me again…

Sometimes I’m so anxious to have answers, to figure things out, to reach goals, that I lose sight of this version of me.

This version that I am sick of sometimes. This version of me who I wish would figure her shit out already.

Maybe one day I’ll look back at this 47-year-old me and have a fondness for my questioning. A fondness for my looking for answers. A fondness for my seeking.

Maybe even a fondness for my scattered thinking and weepy moments of emotion.

I hope this Rupi Kaur quote inspires you, too, to appreciate for a moment this version of you.

In all her imperfection, in all her failings, in all her fears.

And be with her.

Self-love…

I have been working on this whole self-love thing for a long time. And I definitely love myself more now than ever before.

Even so, it’s easy to slip into old habits, to let the critical inner voice speak up first and loudest. I still have doubts and insecurities.

So I know it can be hard to feel good about yourself, let alone love yourself. At some times more than others. Some versions are just harder to love than others.

If you struggle with loving yourself, start with appreciation. Appreciate the messy parts the way you might appreciate something infuriating yet kind of endearing about a loved one…the underwear still inside the pants in the laundry, the misplaced (again) glasses, the climbing on the counter, the hidden stash of candy.

And remember life is always changing, like it or not. And you only have this place in time, this version of you, for a little while.

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