My Inner Voice

I have been feeling like I don’t have an inner voice or can’t hear my inner voice or have been deserted by my inner voice. For ages if not forever. I have doubted my “intuition.” Other than avoiding that dark creepy alley or steering clear of threatening-looking weirdos I have wondered if I have intuition.

When I tried to think about why I felt so out of touch with any “inner knowing” or “guiding inner voice” the only thing I could come up with was that I’ve made so many big mistakes that I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore.

And I have tried lots of ways to hear it/connect to it- meditation, prayer, therapy, getting out into nature, online courses, reading, journaling, yoga, sound baths, chakra-cleansing, exercise, sound baths…Only to be left feeling like, “Nope. Still not there. Nobody home.”

I was looking for answers outside of myself and never really hearing the inside voice. (because it’s not there?)

But lately I came to a realization about one particular area of my life- I have been feeling resistance in this area all along. But when I tried to answer the questions, “Is this the right fit for me? The right decision? Do I belong here?” I didn’t get clear cut answers. There were so many pros that I just kept going along. There were even moments of feeling hopeful- maybe this is the right fit.

But all along, there was a nagging resistance. I chalked it up to this not being the path I necessarily planned to take. Or my indecisiveness. Or me asking too many annoying questions. Or any number of things.

Then the other day I had a rare moment of clarity- a moment that felt like a revelation, an epiphany. This quote hit me with clarity- Maybe my resistance is my inner voice. Clarity like that doesn’t come very often, so I noticed. I even said it out loud to myself in the car. And afterwards I felt an inner peace, the kind of inner peace that doesn’t come along very often either. 

Maybe this resistance I’ve been feeling all along has been my freaking inner voice!

I wanted my inner voice to answer my yes/no questions with a yes or no. I wanted birds landing on my shoulder to show me I was in the right place, doing the right thing. Or a note on my desk saying, “This is not the right choice. Figure something else out. Love, God”

And if I’m honest with myself, I wanted the situation to be right. Because it was working pretty good, it checked a lot of boxes, I didn’t get the Sunday night scaries about the week ahead. And because I’ve been “figuring things out” for so freaking long that I just wanted to feel like I finally had it figured.

But then, when there were some things that weren’t going so right, I got to thinking. Or, really, feeling. Feeling the way something was just a little off. Noticing some physical sensations in my body every now and then. Realizing the energy in a room felt different than it did the last time I was there.

And the forehead-smacking moment in the car. 

Maybe I wasn’t going to get birds on my shoulders- maybe the resistance was my body’s way, my mind’s way, my soul’s way, of telling me this wasn’t where I belonged. 

So the point of sharing this revelation is this- maybe your inner voice is telling you something and you’re just not listening. 

Maybe our inner voices don’t come to us in the easiest-to-figure-out way. 

Maybe my resistance was my inner voice…

and I just wasn’t listening.

And then I got a sign that was way more clear- not a bird on my shoulder, more like a dead crow on my desk with a note pinned on it saying, “Duh.”

And at the end of the day, I have learned a ton. The most valuable lesson is this:

I do have an inner voice.

I need to pay more attention.

I need to give myself more credit.

I know more than I think.

How’s your inner voice?